


The Vigilante Handler's Guide

by MintyBoi



Series: Dealing with Vigilantes [1]
Category: Daredevil (TV), The Defenders (Marvel TV)
Genre: Crack, Lists, Rules, vigilante rules
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-30
Updated: 2020-12-01
Packaged: 2021-03-09 20:06:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,230
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27791989
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MintyBoi/pseuds/MintyBoi
Summary: Are you a vigilante's impulse control? Do you help your secret buddy make choices? Do they seem to thrive on your pride or encouragement in someway? Are they trying to gain your approval? Do you know their civilian identity?Congrats! You are officially a vigilante handler! You will now feel some sort of responsibility for the dumb idiot who comes to your door bleeding.Don't worry on Fridays you can gather with all the other Handlers at Josie's or someone's house for a night free of your idiot along with cheap booze and games.If you have any questions about care and maintenance of your vigilante please call Claire Temple. Your vigilante should have her number.If you have questions about dealing with your vigilante's rights/laws or any other issues call Nelson, Murdock & Page.
Series: Dealing with Vigilantes [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2081571
Comments: 2
Kudos: 29





	1. Base Rules for Vigilantes

**Author's Note:**

> Hallo! Enjoy this terrible piece of crack.

Welcome!   
We are going to start with the base rules that the vigilantes came up with themselves. Please be warned if your vigilante decides to not follow these rules there may be more fighting and injuries then normal along with an excess amount of hissing. Either way this is how the rules were formed. 

_ There was a list of rules that Claire was handed one night. She had jokingly asked Matt if there were rules about being a vigilante. He had handed her this with a completely serious look on his face and said, “We got together and wrote them down for you.” _

  * Whoever’s mission it is gets to call all the shots
    * EXAMPLES:
      * No killing anyone on a Daredevil mission
      * But free for all on a Deadpool mission
      * No maiming or permanent damage on a Spider-man mission
      * No swearing with Luke
      * As much swearing as possible with Jessica
  * No killing innocent people/bystanders
    * Civilian lives trump anything
  * Help everyone get out on a mission, no more people left behind Matt.
  * If you go to the police make sure it is a safe and vetted officer
    * Brett is always good
    * Misty is always good
  * If someone is injured bring them to Claire, even if they say they are fine
    * Only exception to this rule is if the issue can be easily fixed or they are Wade
  * Claire trumps everyone’s vote/decision
  * Bring legal problems to Nelson, Murdock & Page
  * If in need of press go to Karen Page or Trish Walker
  * Fuck big business and gangs
  * Respect territory lines 
    * If the Devil tells you get the hell out of the kitchen then you get the hell out
    * If Luke wants you to stop messing around in Harlem then you leave
  * Whoever leads the mission decides the target’s fate
    * Don’t mess with their target its rude
  * Tone down the intensity around the children if you can
  * Teach the kids if they are around you
  * Do NOT fight the children, sparring is fine
    * Children must report to a training session at least once a week or they will get their patrols hijacked 
  * Matt’s couch is always available and so is the entrance from the roof
  * Do not crash at Claire’s unless medical emergency
  * Protect the kiddos
    * Kids are always the first priority 
  * No slut shaming or victim blaming
  * Avoid actual government sanctioned superheroes 
    * Exceptions include: 
      * Black Widow
      * Hawkeye
      * Bucky and his crew
      * Some of the X-men (talk to Wade for specifics)
  * Don’t use the “h” word 
  * Turk Barrett is a reformed man and is doing his best to stay on the legal side of things, respect that
  * Don’t hurt animals, they haven’t done anything
  * If you have property damages that might need to get paid for talk to Danny
    * You do not need to pay if it belonged to a gang member or was affiliated with your target
  * Please respect that people have jobs and might not be able to drop everything. Take what you can get, even if it is just instructions over the phone.



_ Claire looked at the list. Then she called Foggy and asked if they were still on for Friday night. She had a feeling he would want to see this too. _

A good place to put your rules is in a secure location near wherever they keep their clothes/suit. It can also be displayed on a fridge next to their report cards, next to the rules of your office or even stapled inside the door of your vigilante's home. 

Places where you can find extra copies of the rules includes: 

  * Claire Temple
  * Nelson, Murdock & Page (you can even get it in braille or translated into spanish and punjabi)



Good luck and please remember to give your gremlin the rules if they don't have a copy already.


	2. Understanding your Vigilante

So you're officially a handler? Good for you and I wish you the best of luck. Here are some good things to know to help you understand what your vigilante is babbling about especially if they lost something to someone. 

  * If they say the name Wilson ask them which one. There are many Wilsons. 
    * If they mean Samuel Wilson a.k.a Falcon then you are in luck cause he’s the part-time handler for Cap and Bucky. He’s also the liaison for the Avengers sometimes. He’s a reasonable guy and not that hard to find. Just don’t interrupt a V.A. meeting.
    * If they mean Wade Wilson a.k.a. Deadpool find out what exactly they want or need from him. If it is urgent you can attempt to call him on your vigilante’s burner phone or try to find and go to “Sister Margaret's Home for Wayward Girls” also known as “Hell hole” (this is not recommended) and ask Weasel (the bartender). Lastly if your vigilante is in good condition you could release them to go to Wilson however this can be risky depending on what the desired outcome is. Wade Wilson is a wild card.
    * If they mean Wilson Fisk a.k.a Kingpin contact Nelson, Murdock & Page immediately. Find out if anyone is in immediate danger and if Fisk knows identity or has threatened anyone. DO NOT APPROACH THIS MAN. 
    * If they mean Mister Wilson a Manchester God then get Sam Wilson or Spider-man to contact the Avengers and therefore Thor. This guy shouldn’t even be in our realm.
  * If they seem to be in pain ask them if they have contacted Claire or if they try to avoid the question/do not give a satisfying answer contact Claire yourself. Please remember that Claire has a part time job in a Medical Clinic but at the same time has a free practice for vigilantes especially those that are enhanced or mutated in some way. She knows what she is doing and should not be argued with. She will help you control your idiot and tell you how long they should be on bed rest. (Note about bed rest: most vigilantes only stay on bedrest about 50% of the time that Claire prescribed. Do not feel bad if your vigilante refused to listen for how long they should rest.)
  * There are more than one of certain vigilantes. 
    * Spider-man has at least two people. However, this number can flucentate if they play with something called the multiverse.
    * Hawkeye is also two people. One is the mentor the other is a mentee. If they are talking about how Hawkeye is deaf and male or the dog they are talking about the mentor. If they are talking about a female who is a little shit they are talking about the mentee. 
    * Also while they all have different names in the Avengers there is Ironman, Iron Patriot (previously War Machine) and Ironlad. This is not to mention all the Ironman suits that don’t need a person in them. All problems with any of these people/shells should be directed to Stark Industries. 
  * If they are uttering about “Logan” then Wolverine must have come back to town. If you had previously heard that Logan was dead don’t be concerned he does that quite a bit. It’s annoying. There is nothing you can do except tell them to be safe and offer them physical contact if desired. 
  * If they said they are going to murder Wade or announce they fucking killed Wade/Deadpool there are two things you can do depending on their mood.
    * If they are panicking about killing someone remind them that Wade cannot die. Therefore they didn’t actually kill him just inconvenience him. Maybe they should get him come Hello Kitty band-aids to say sorry.
    * If they are proud just let them. They probably had to let off steam and murdered Wade because he could not die. They were probably upset by the patrol that night. If you feel that they are stable enough you might want to ask them about the patrol.
  * Daredevil has more names then he should. These include but are not limited to: Daredevil, Red, Redthew, DD, Double D, Man in Black, Asshole in the Scarf, The Devil, Devilboy, Altar Boy, Devil of Hell’s Kitchen, Territorial Asshole, Horny (boy), Horns, Hellhound, and more. If you don’t know who your vigilante is referring to ask where they were last night if they were in Hell’s Kitchen then there is a 90% chance they are talking about him. If it is outside the Kitchen then the chances drop to 45% but increase if there was another vigilante there. 
    * Increase to 60% for Spider-man in the Red and Blue
    * Increase to 50% for Deadpool or Hawkeye (the mentor)
    * Increase to 65% for any of the Defenders
    * Increase to 87% for the Punisher
    * The rest don’t call him enough to get accurate readings
  * If your vigilante is muttering about feeling old (if they are an adult) then they probably just had a mission with the kiddos and the kiddos were making references to something on the internet.
  * If your vigilante won’t talk and will not respond to anything please call Claire or Foggy so they can send assistance. They most likely just had a hard night and either almost crossed a line they don’t want to cross or witnessed something that brought up repressed trauma/emotions. 
  * If they are excited and talking about a game ask them whose day it is first. Then ask for the date/how long. Game days are the day that a vigilante either became a vigilante or got their abilities. All you need to know is:
    * Game days can vary between being a single day and a week depending on the game
    * The vigilante whose “day” it is picks the game and places the rules
    * It is the one night where you most likely don’t have to worry about your vigilante dying
    * All the handlers have a night at wherever the “base” is that night, so get ready to bet and watch a lot of movies
    * The purpose is trying to turn their trauma into something happy considering most of them have traumatic memories on the why they became a vigilante or the how they got their abilities. It is the closest thing to therapy that we have figured out to give them that they don’t reject.
    * Games tend to include: manhunt, tag/freeze tag, capture the flag, hide ‘n seek, kill the carrier, king of the mountain, infection and cops and robbers
    * Some vigilantes op to have “adult” time instead of a game, all this means is they are going to have a 21+ time and handlers almost always are invited
  * If they seem flustered, find out immediately if they have a crush or if they just had to spend too much time with Deadpool. 
    * If a crush, figure out who and then talk to other handlers. If not available stop them quickly. There have been situations of vigilantes pursuing taken vigilantes a little too harshly, not all of them know how to say no.
    * If Deadpool, don’t worry about it. He flirts with everyone for fun and doesn’t actually expect anything. Your vigilante will get used to it, though if it triggers a trauma try to limit contact with Deadpool till you can set up a meeting on your vigilante’s behalf. 
  * If your vigilante seems distressed or guilty and is trying to get you in too many words to come with them it means you are in danger. You can question them more about it once you are safe. 
  * If they are calling you from a police station remind them to say nothing and do nothing till Nelson or Murdock get there. Then call Nelson, Murdock & Page. 
    * Only exception to this is if they are asking for a pick up or you have a different lawyer for some reason.
    * Remember if they go down you could also potentially go down.
  * If your vigilante comes in half dead or with another injured vigilante remember do not panic. Call Claire and start asking about weapons and wounds while you take out the first aid kit.



Enjoy trying to figure out your vigilante's conversation. Please note that nothing should ever be recorded and if talking/texting over the phone you should try to be as discreet as possible


	3. First Aid

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> First aid is important. Here is what you need to know so you don't have a dead body.

Your vigilante is going to get hurt. I’m sorry. Moving on, knowing how to take care of your vigilante when they wander in half dead is critical to making sure they don’t die in your living room. Because that will be really hard to explain to the cops. 

Remember no hospitals.

**Steps:**

  * Assess the damage. If you feel equipped to handle it don’t call Claire. 
    * If you don’t feel equipped, call Claire.
    * Remember no hospitals.
  * Ask for the full story of the injuries. Make sure they know if they hide anything from you that you will be disappointed. Even if you are currently mad at them, tell them you aren’t. 
  * Get them on a couch or bed. You may want to invest in sheets of a plastic variety to cover the furniture for easy cleaning after. 
  * Get your first aid kit and start to patch them up to the best of your abilities.
  * If you ever feel too far out of your depths call Claire. Even if she can’t come she can walk you through it.
  * Remember no hospitals.
  * Good job you made sure your idiot didn’t die. 
  * Don’t let them go back out tonight. 
  * Try to keep them on bedrest for at least 24 hours.
  * Don’t feel too bad if you fail. 



**Your first aid kit should be stocked with the following:**

  * Enough gauze to wrap your vigilante head to toe
  * Advil/Ibuprofen 
    * Give it to them even if they say they can deal with the pain
  * Band-aids
  * Plastic Wrap
    * Can be used to keep compression 
  * Needle and Surgical Thread
  * Alcohol
    * This can be used to help with:
      * Nerves
      * Pain
      * Cleaning wounds
    * Do not give to the kiddos
  * Tweezers
  * Scissors
  * Splint 
  * Antiseptic/Antibiotic
    * Get those wounds clean otherwise there may be bigger problems
  * Needle/Syringe 
  * Thermometer 
  * Icepacks
  * Wipes 
    * Can use towels or paper towels if needed
  * Flashlight
  * Butterfly bandages
  * Medical tape
  * Duct Tape
    * This can be your best friend
  * Knife, preferably surgical
  * Tourniquet
  * Aspirin and Kid Aspirin 
  * Rule



Some simple instructions on how to patch up simple wounds.

**How to know if a cut needs stitches:**

  1. Deeper than a quarter inch
  2. Could possibly be infected from weapon used
  3. Can see the bone, muscle or other things that your aren’t ever supposed to see



If the wound looks bad but doesn’t need stitches enough the joy of butterfly bandages or band aids. 

If it meets these requirements stitch the wound. 

  1. Sterilize the wound
  2. Thread the needle
  3. If your hands are shaking and you are over 21 take a quick drink but do not drink too much
  4. Make your first stitch just like sewing
  5. Tie the stitch off twice
  6. Repeat a ¼ inch down



Watch a stitched wound for signs of infection over the next few days. 

**Bullets:**

Call Claire. 

Don’t listen to the idiot. 

Call Claire. 

She keeps the bullets in jars. 

Call Claire. 

**Dislocated joint (especially shoulder):**

Bring to a 90 degree angle in front of them to help guide it back in. Will hurt, try to give them a sling afterwards. Works best if they are sitting or lying on their front. Do not panic most likely your resident idiot while they are in pain will downplay it and use it again within days. 

**How to test for a concussion:**

First you need to know about your idiot’s abilities and skill set. If they are overly sensitive to their senses, have a weird go while they are healing, or have a disability of sorts these instructions may change. Please contact Claire about how to diagnose a concussion for your resident idiot. 

Also check that they are not currently drugged or drunk.

Signs that they may have a concussion:

  * Head trauma
  * Nausea/vomiting
  * Issues with balance
  * Problems with light and noise that they don’t normally have problems with
  * Worse concentration then normal like feeling hazy and not remembering information
  * Headache
  * You may have heard of the pupil trick, this doesn’t work as well as you have heard, but it doesn’t hurt to check.
  * Passing out and not from exhaustion



What to do:

Unless it is severe or you have a bigger reason to worry, not much honestly. If they are still doing okay after the first two hours let them sleep, you can give them a tylenol if it hurts. Again call Claire if you are really worried. 

Remember no hospitals. 

**Cuts, Scrapes and other minor issues:**

Just patch them up like you always would. You were a kid once right? Also find out if your vigilante likes or dislikes themed band aids and get whatever they dislike. It discourages this reckless behavior and can give you some sadistic pleasure while you take care of their dumbass. 

Gauze will be your best friend. It can wrap anything that might be oozing or is just too big for band aids. Have too much gauze because you will run out anyway. 

**Broken Ribs:**

Do not add compression. You might want to wrap it like all the other broken/fractured bones. DO NOT. 

Do however call Claire. Broken ribs are not to be messed with without a professional opinion. 

**Other Broken Bones/ Fractures:**

Set it and wrap it. 

**If they are drugged:**

Fucking film it and wait for them to come off their high. These will be some of the best videos you will get. However do not leave them by themselves because drugs are unpredictable and they could accidentally trigger repressed thoughts. These repressed thoughts will be an emotional turmoil for your vigilante that they cannot deal with alone. 

**If they are poisoned:**

Call Claire, figure out what they were poisoned with. 

Call Daredevil if you can’t figure it out. 

  
  


Remember if you ever need help to call Claire.

Often your vigilante will know most of their injuries. If they were working with Daredevil and Daredevil is still in the vicinity have Daredevil snitch on all their injuries. He will know them all and he takes some pleasure in being able to know and figure them all out. Do not question it, it is a subject you don’t want to get into. 

Remember no hospitals. 

If Claire is not available and it is small but you can’t take care of it, call Daredevil. He is decent at patching people up and doesn’t flinch, also everything that your vigilante is currently facing he has most likely had happen to him. That man is a fucking cockroach nothing ends up killing him, comes close but he miraculously pulls through and keeps going. 

If it is big and your vigilante is willing you can attempt to bring your vigilante to Stark Industries. This is the closest thing to a hospital you will get. It is not advised though because Mr. Stark is a self entitled pompous jerk most of the time and does not do too well with hurt vigilantes. Especially because he uses the injuries as justification on why your idiot shouldn’t be doing this. 

While he might be right no one except other vigilantes, handlers and you should be allowed to insult your idiot. 

Either way that is your helpful guide to first aid so you don’t have a dead body to explain to the cops. 

Good luck!

Have Claire on speed dial.


End file.
